I WILL make my Chalice run over: Peace

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Peace

To be at peace with all things. Is that not the goal in life? How do you find peace after living through hell. How do you feel comfort when the one that was suppose to protect you is the one you need protection from? I wish I could answer these questions but I just can't find the answers. I am trying I really am.

The things I find peace in are the simple things in life, the squirells playing in the trees, my cats curled up next to me in the morning, a deer drinking from my pond, a kind word and a gentle touch.

A thunderstorm! A long kiss in the rain!

Whats my deal anyway??

At 23 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease a form of lymphatic cancer, on that day my divorce from my first husband who I loved dearly but I did not like my head through walls and him having 16yr old girls over while I was at work - so I divorced him. What a day that was.

I had stage 3b. Was treated with both chemo & radiation. Had problems with chemo and was not able to get as much as they wanted me to.

Shortly after finishing treatment I met a friend of my neighbors and it was love at first sight after a month of dating he sked me to marry him. I said yes. It was a beautiful wedding, but it was pouring so instead of going off on our honeymoon that night we decided to go home and leave in the morning for the beach. Got home got the mail, letter from the hospital just thought it was a change in my appointments in HemOc nope I was wrong I now had Vaginal cancer. Happy honeymoon.

5 surgeries in 12 months for that nothing seemed to work, then 5FU Interfuron treatments for 6 months. ok that is gone finally

About 6 months free and clear, letter from the hospital I now have Cervical Cancer. A couple surgeries and 5FU treatments all that went on for about 2 years, nothing ever wanted to go away, but it did after removing the cervex and 5FU.

About 6 months clear again and surprise I now have Vulva cancer that one was fairly easy removed tumurs and 5Fu and that never came back.

Vaginal cancer again, large excisions and more 5FU.

Asorted freaky Gyn problems - FINALLY a hystorectomy.

And I get told all these problems are probably from bleed off radiation from the original cancer when I was 23. And no it was not from being promiscuous I am 43 and have only been with 7 people I would not consided that promiscuous.

Vaginal cancer again, surgery again.

Love of my life, husband for 15 years just up and leaves me, guess he was sick of all this. Can't say I blame him.

He did feel guilty enough that he gave me the house and everything, I thank him everyday for that.

I get married again ( I have not had any problems for 2 years) right before the wedding looks like a active nodule in the old tumor from the Hodgkins (it was a huge tumor that could not be removed wraped around aeorta and stuff) Here we go surgery to biopsy, they go in and can not get to it at all, it is decided that the only way to get to it is to crack my chest open but they do not want to do that. So it is a watch and wait game till it gets big enough.

Go for Gyn Oncology appointment for some reason they take and x-ray. 2 days later I have a HemOc appointment they screw up and no one does my blood work or xray. So I tell the my doc that there should be one on file from 2 days ago. Now my doc and I are freinds after all this time so we laugh and stuff and suddenly his mood is a grat deal different, he is notably upset. There is a growth showing on my lung unrelated to the past Hodgkins.

So here we go again, and in the last 20 years I have not gone more than 6 months with out a follow up because of all the wierd problems I have had. I should have stopped all the follow up for the hodgkins like 15 years ago. And the Gyn cancer follow ups have always been 3 months this does not include any tests scheduled. It is also a 2 1/2 hour drive each way to the doctors and guess what I have no insurance. Not for lack of trying to get it but the only places that will actually cover anything charge you so much that it is impossible to afford it. I get no medicare or cade what ever it is or anything like that. I am lucky enough that the hospital that I go to is a great hospital and my case is weird enough that they don't want me to go anywhere else so my doctor has worked it out so I make small payments every month, and I am very thankful for that, very very thankful.

Get a call from the Gyn Cancer people about coming in ASAP because of the x-ray for 2 new appointments I explain that my Hematoligy Oncolgist is aware of it and I am going in for more test and stuff on the 18th. They don't care they want me in for these 2 appointment anyway?????

All I know is it went from 3mm to 8mm.

My daughter (step) came home from school with the sniffles she was sniffing for 12 hours nothing more. I got horrribly sick from her and it is not going away I am feeling ok now but when I walk around or do anything I feel like I have a mack truck parked on my chest and I have to sit down. I do not get much help for the most part, my daughter will do the dishes and scoop cat boxes but not much more with out it turning into a war which I do not have the energy for. All I can think of is what on earth is going to happen if they tell me its Chemo time again.

My husband works at sea so he is never here. Which is probably best because he can not deal with people being sick or sickness or anything that makes anyone elses needs more important than his.

I have to do what it takes to survive at this point. I have decided Screw all this I am going to find the things to be thankful for and deal with the rest as it comes. It all pretty much sucks but I will enjoy the gifts of this beautiful spot in the woods that I live in. And I will enjoy the brief good times I have with my husband. I am not going to sit back and die a little more everyday. Instead I am going to try try to live as much as I can everyday. Sometimes I will be bitching on here but only to be followed by something good! Stop and look at the gifts that nature has given you they mean more than anything money can buy.

I love my husband and daughter very much and I hope to spend many happy moments if not years with them!

Since starting this some very bad things happened which I do not care to mention, but in the end I divorced my husband and I am in a better place mentally - peace what a gift it is!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Peace

0 comments:

I will make my Chalice over flow!

Past Musings

Whats my deal anyway??

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Peace

0 comments:

I will make my Chalice over flow!

I WILL make my Chalice run over!

Past Musings

Whats my deal anyway??